My unexpected Journey

My life has been very rocky this past 15 months. But, who’s life hasn’t? I spent most of it struggling to find me again.

I was analyzing the person I had become. Grumpy, overworked, unhappy, pissed off, moody and very difficult to deal with.

My life had taken a turn that I didn’t expect and it was moving fast.

I went from sleeping 6 or 7 hours a night to only 30 minutes. I became both physically and mentally tired with absolutely no interest in anything that used to make me happy.

Depression is not a dirty word. Its grabs hold of you when you least expect it. It controls you and your life. Its suffering that you cant see. It changes you and the people around you.

I experienced this and I will share my thoughts with the hope that someone sees it and reaches out. I suffered in silence and fear. Silence because I thought I was alone, unloved and no one would really care anyway. Fear of losing control and not knowing what was happening to me.

I spent years on the job as a firefighter saving others on their worst day. For some reason there was no one to save me. I reached out a few times but they didn’t understand and neither did I. I didn’t want to be called weak or judged unfairly.

Then the day came that I had lost all control. Its time, time to shit or get off the pot.

I had suspected that I was dealing with some sort of mental illness a week or so prior. Now, I had no choice but to make the call.

If your a firefighter and you are having issues. Don’t second guess yourself. Don’t put it off til tomorrow. Don’t walk away. Pick up the phone and make the call.

IAFF Center of Excellence

Treatment for firefighters experiencing mental illness, PTSD and addiction.


You cant change the past, only the future.

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